After a particularly trying Friday, my day ended with someone at the office asking me if I was lesbian. The silence that ensued was followed by a defiant barrage on my behalf, with the person who asked the question saying “Oh I was just asking. It’s only because you have a certain way about you”. WTF?
It’s not that I have a problem with lesbians (I have lesbian friends, gasp!), but why do some men immediately think a woman must be gay if she is strong-minded, independent and perhaps a little intimidating. So I asked my Lesbian Friends if they thought I could have gay tendencies. Their faces went into shock and the reply was “Er no Tequila Tart, you are most definitely a breeder, no matter what anyone thinks. Besides, could you go down on a girl?” Euew… So after much consoling and many canned tuna jokes I went home confident in the fact that I am definitely not lesbian.
So what is it that makes a man assume a woman must be gay?
Is there a “butch” factor?
Is it because I am not stick thin and blonde? Does black hair and broad shoulders make you butch? Do flat shoes and make you masculine? Ok, I could do with losing some weight, but I happen to like black hair. I can’t wear heels comfortably (high arches or something), although I really wish I could and my broad shoulders are from years of being in swimming teams.
Is it because I am independent and seemingly don’t need a man?
I am an only child who went to boarding school at 6 years old, followed by going to London for 2 years on my own at 19. My dad died a few days after I turned 21 and my mum lives in the next door country. Of course I am independent. I can carry my own groceries, change a tyre and can go roadtripping on my own. I have been to gigs on my own, travelled on my own and lived alone for years. Needy, never. Lonely, sometimes. Independent, you bet.
Is it because I have been single for some time?
Forgive me for being picky about who I jump inbetween the sheets with. In fact I admit I am downright picky when it comes to men. And because of this I have had some amazing relationships in my time from choosing carefully. Does the fact that I am not desperate enough to take the next bad-pick-up-line-male home with me just because he’s a man and every girl should have one, make me a dyke? Should I be happy to accept any man that comes along and spend the rest of my life being mostly unhappy with my choice, but accepted by others as being “straight” because I am in a relationship?
Could it in fact be the men?
I love men (aren’t lesbians supposed to hate men?) and have met some really nice ones along the way. But lately, just as I start to think, “Yeah, this guy could be a rocker, I am kinda starting to like him”, he runs for the hills. Which, if I am going to get bitchy (ooh, how girly of me), makes me question the calibre of men around. Are men today too afraid to date a streetwise girl that has her own mind, is happy to pay for her own meal and can change her own lightbulbs? A girl who could probably drink many men under the table (I am Zimbabwean) and has a mind wedged firmer in the gutter than most blokes. Does being “one of the boys” make you unattractive, unsexy and most definitely gay?
OK, so I can lose weight (less butch factor), become more girly (high heel shoe shopping anyone?) and start asking for help (I need some pictures put up, requires a drill and this so-called-lesbian doesn’t own one). But I am not about to start running around Cape Town shagging every available dude at the next bar to prove a point. Nor am I going to shack up with a man who doesn't make me happy just so I can feel accepted by a couple-dominated society. Call me independent, call me intimidating, call me strong-willed and free thinking. Call me what you like, but don’t start questioning my sexual preferences just because I seemingly don’t “need” a man.
